Queer Eye, For the Goblin Guy
by dreamscanbecomereality
Summary: The Fab 5, are down Underground to help out our favourite Goblin King, in Sarah's proposal and to get 'properly' metro!JS!
1. Who is he?

Queer Eye, for the Goblin Guy

Name says it all!! Goblin Guy being our favorite King J/S

No Homo-Phobs allowed!!!!! But girls dont worry Jareth isnt gay in this!!!

I do not own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy or the Labyrinth, its characters and its socks! hehe

'Ok guys, who's the lucky boy to receive our services today!!?' Jai jumped up gleefully.

'Well hons, it is quite tragic." Carson explained. "His name is Jareth, occupation - Goblin King ruler of the Labyrinth, His fashion crime- Still believing he can run a kingdom wearing a lifetime supply of spandex, leather vests, belts and riding crops that could also class as bondage gear, oh and slutty knee high boots- complete sissy and he is apparently straight!"

"Oh gawwwd Kyan, He wears MAKE UP!, I mean guys he is more of a poof than we are, and he just LOVES Glitter!!!" But the dead give away that he isn't is that his so called goblins cut his hair!!!! I mean it just sounds nasty doesn't it?"

"Ewwwww I so cant wait to get my hands on this man. I mean come on as if they don't have a qualified professional hairdresser underground?? " replied Kyan

"Trust me it gets better. In his Labyrinth Garden is.., oh god …..Thom you are gonna freak, a place called 'the bog of eternal stench' that apparently its PPEEEEE -EWWWW. And his castle is completely drab, his favorite room is an Escher room –literally- with just stairs in it that defy gravity and go nowhere!!! Its like BORING!!!"

"Ewwwwww, this guy needs to leave the artists to the art- and interior design!" Thom replied "Oh and as for this stinky bog….I am so seeing myself with Jareth and bags of scented candles, although I have to give him snaps for the rest of the Labyrinth gardens, I hear they are quite nice"

"And Ted darlz Oh god where do I begin........" carson said with a wrist flick

"Don't start it off by saying his goblins cook for him…." Ted said worriedly, "Please tell me he can atleast COOK!"

"He has never cooked a meal in his whole ROYAL life, and his goblins DO the cooking, I mean grotesque…but what's even sadder is that most of the time he just lives on peaches!"

"Oh god no, He has a peach fetish, I have heard of it its quite dangerous, especially when they are only supposed to be used for hallucinations…." Ted told the group seriously.

"Well his kitchen is a bomb, apparently specials of the day include 'slime and snails and puppy dogs tails'"

'Shudder'- all of the fab 5

"And Jai you will have your work cut out for you. He wants to propose to his poor fiancé Sarah Williams according to his friend Hoggle but it's a big secret, Sarah only knows that we are coming to help get Jareth metro the right way! His hunny has had a bit of a rocky past with him after he stole her baby brother in which she had to defeat his Labyrinth to get the lil boy back, while he drugged her with one of those so called peaches."

"Say WHHATTT!!" they all said in unisen, hand on hip, wave of other hand in air

"YA, and he wants to propose tonight of all nights!! So Jai he's gonna need some prepping!!! And remember guys …SARAH CAN'T KNOW- she thinks that after we are here shes just gonna go on a date with him!"

"Oh don't worry about that! I am sooooo on to it already" Jai said knowingly, "He wont know what hit him when I make him remember 10 pages of cliff's notes!!"

"Well its alllll in the past now, he came to his senses, apologized, she rocked his world and now they are completely in love one another!!!!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!" the group sighed happily

"But as we all know, love is grand but he has to pick his act up if he wants to be a big strong, straight man, with taste, to wed this bella…so that's where we come in (apart from the straight part!)!." Carson said proudly looking at his friends.

"He is completely confused by the sounds of it, running around looking like a woman, yet has no concept of how to treat one, we so gotta help him out!!!" Jai cried out, slapping his forehead. "Sarah might prefer to marry one of his goblins otherwise!"

"Ok but how do we get underground?" Thom asked

"Well according to Sarah she said stay in the car and wish for the goblins to take us away, and we can go in between worlds by using these crystals Hoggle gave us, so come on fella's lets go get this pansy who dares to call himself straight!"

Theme song, all things keep getting better!!!! yaeeeaaayyyy

Underground- Jareths Castle

Throne Room

Ding dong ding dong DING DONG

"Oh my lord who installed this infernal racket device" Jareth said getting up off his throne. Dressed in his spandex, poets shirt, black leather vest and knee highs. Still hot none-the-less.

"Oh errr Lady Sarah got it installed your Majesty" a goblin said cowardly.

"Sarah, sigh My love…….Ding ding ding dong ding dong ARGH OK I AM COMING!" a frustrated Jareth said, thinking it may be Sarah though, getting up off his throne walking to the front doors.

For what Jareth was about to endure he had no preparation for, as Sarah and Hoggle sneakily arranged the Fab 5 just to show up!! Payback for a LONG engagement on Sarah's part, Knowing that Jareth was planning on proposing tonight on Hoggles part!!

"Ooooooooooo You must be Jareth" Carson cooed hugging him abit too closely for Jareths liking "YOU ARE SO CUTE!!!", followed by the rest of the Fab 5 swarming him with hugs and oo's and ar's.

Jareth left looking dumbfounded, then came to his senses, swatting them off him with a WTF look on his face

"Oh I can see what Sarah was talking about though- the Spandex!!, I don't know whether to handcuff you now…glancing down at Jareths 'package'….or in my bedroom!!!" Carson said pulling at the spandex then letting it go, snapping at Jareth's right leg.

"OUCH! THAT HURT YOU KNOW" Jareth whined

"Awwww sawy baby" Carson replied pouting with a baby voice

"Its alright" Jareth said straightening himself then realizing what Carson just said he yelled again.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE AND HOW DO YOU KNOW SARAH" Jareth roared

"Oh no let me investigate this…." Kyan said cutting in grabbing a large strand of Jareths hair, "No NO NOOOO, Jareth feel your hair you naughty man" at which Jareth actually obeyed and felt a piece of his hair with a questioning look on his face.

"Yes what is exactly wrong with it?????"

"Omg OH MY GOD you cant feel that??

"No" Jareth said definsively

"Its called dry, un-managable, IN DESPERATE NEED FOR A TREATMENT!!!" Kyan said slapping Jareth on the arm

"Actually I like it this way….ARE YOU IMBECILES going to answer my question, why are here and HOW DO YOU KNOW SARAH??!!!!"

"Oh chill J-man, I see I am gonna have to work on your anger management issues. Sarah is our fag-hag! " Jai replied protectively but laughing.

"Your what??"

"Fag-hag…ya know….FAG……HAG..…..Look, the thing is she and your friend Hoggle sent us as a present to you" Jai said then whispering to Ted "One that you don't give back in this guys case" at which they both laughed, peeving off Jareth even more

"Sarah I can understand all of…this…for some strange reason…but Haggle, I thought he would give me abit more respect!"

"WHAT on earth!" Thom said as he pushed his way past Jareth, flapping his arms around like a mad women, looking around the messy, very un-hygienic throne room, seeing drunk, passed out goblins on the ground. "OK First things first you little goblins get the hell out of here and get some facials", handing them all Jurlique Gift Certificates. At which the goblins actually accepted, even jumping up and down in excitement of getting a 'facial'

"Awww how sweet Thom, babies first facials" Ted said at which they both started fake crying, holding one another

"Commminnnnnggg through" Carson, Jai and Kyan yelled like trains going 5,000km per hr, making a sprint for Jareths bedroom for his wardrobe. Jareth still just stood there looking, mouth wide open at the rudeness of invasion of privacy, then realizing where they were going, chased after them, scared of what would happen next.

"Hey Ted you better come in here" Jai screamed. He had taken a detour into the 'Kitchen' and Ted ran in and nearly died on sight. There was One word for it. 'So wheres the nearest McDonalds'.

Ok so it was five words! OKAY A SENTENCE!

Back in Jareths Room

"Now where's the porn, where's the porn……." Carson said throwing out all of Jareth's wardrobe contents on the bed " if I was a spandex luvin Goblin King Id keep my porn….AH HERE!!!!" Carson grabbed out a box hidden in a small storage spot above one of the top shelves, that had written clearly on top 'Private'.

"IF YOU OPEN……uneven breathing from running……………. THAT I WILL THROW YOU ……………gasp……….STRAIGHT INTO THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH BEFORE YOU CAN BLINK" Jareth said who was now leaning on the door frame puffed out, after chasing the men into his room. He wasn't used to this much 'excitement' if that's what you could call it, but he couldn't exactly hurt them if these people were meant to be some kind of 'present' from Sarah, or even Hoggle.

"Oh my god is that SARAH JESSICA PARKER " Carson pointed with one hand in the direction behind Jareth, but as soon as Jareth turned around, Carson had already ripped the lid off the box!!

"What is this!!! H A HA HA HA HA HA OH GUYS COME SEE THIS" Carson bellowed out at which they all came to investigate. Inside Jareths so called 'porn' box was a bunch of drawings of Sarah naked, a copy of Kama Sutra – Goblin Style, and Jareths 'personal' Diary.

Jareth by this time was fuming so bad you could see steam coming out of his ears.

"I am gonna pee myself so bad!!! Listen to this…" Jai started reading from the Diary he snatched out the box, "Day 1,590, Sarah was about to take me to the next step in our relationship today until she felt me up and discovered 'sockie' in my pants. I swear its like I forgot I put him there, I mean I know I am big down below, but I am still SOOO self conscious, and on 10th date. I've never hit a home run in my LIFE for all the times I've bragged, Im just A SIISSY VIRGIN!! IT'S NOT FAIIIIIRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!but still I don't know how Id live without 'sockie, we go everywhere together….."Jai couldn't finish he was laughing so much

And by this time even a few remaining goblins were literally pissing their pants over hearing this confession from the Kings diary, and well the Fab 5, were in hysterics rolling around the floor.

"I have tried to be kind, tried to be fair by not killing you on first sight, BUT NOW YOU HAVE REALLY PUSHED ME TOO FAR" Jareth yelled "GIVE ME MY DAMN DIARY BACK" he rushed over to Jai and snatched it out of his hands like a girl on her monthly.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Oh come on Jareth" Thom said with a reassuring hand on his shoulder

Jareth flinched and crossed his arms. "Well WHO do you people think you are rummaging through my 'personals', I am King and could have you all seriously hurt for this" Jareth said walking over to the bed snatching his private 'porn' box away and making it vanish into thin air.

"Jareth babe, we are a bunch of lovely lads, or poofs, whatever u want, here to help you with your big night tonight. You do want your sweet lil Sarah girly right?" Carson said getting up off the floor, walking over to Jareth.

"Well of course I damn well do, she is my life, my love, I want to give her everything, I want to be the man of her dreams"

"I don't know if you know much about mortal women, but we know what they want in a man, what they dream about in a man, becausewe want the same men they do!" At which Jareth raised one eye, a bit confused at what they were saying but interested

"Look, think of us as a bunch of girls here to guide you in the right direction concerning Sarah" Carson added

"You are already the man of her dreams, but the man of her dreams by the looks of it needs a bit of tuning up before he pops the big question tonight" Kyan said still eyeing the crazy hair.

"Pop's the big question….HOGGLE! He hasn't said anything to Sarah has he?" Jareth said angrily when he finally figured out what Hoggle's part behind this was

"No no nooo, Hoggle hasn't said anything to her, just us!! Take those tights off they are making you all antsy pantzy!- and no more 'sockies'!!!!!!" Carson said turning back towards the wardrobe, shuving balls of socks into an empty cardboard box

"Hmmm ok, maybe I do need a bit of help…" Jareth admitted stroking his chin with a leather clad glove

"ABIT! HA! understatement of a Vogue Living century " Thom said from the hallway staring into the throne room that basically just consisted of a throne and cushion pit in the middle, grey being the predominant colour. Ale and food scrapings all over the place from dirty goblins.

"You think that's bad Thom! Jareth come with me…I think you need to know where your kitchen is and what state its in" Ted said dragging Jareth by his arm

"What are you DOING, I am King, I have GOBLINS who COOK for me" Jareth said while Ted was still persistent, dragging him along

"Yes, and that's the FIRST problem identified" as he dragged him into the messed up kitchen, ten times worse looking than the throne room

Kicking a drunk goblin that got in the way, which brought some relief to Jareth but made Ted give him a 'You bad man' stare, he walked up to the main bench and had to agree with Ted.

"Jareth,..." Ted said, now behind the opened refridgerater door, "I have no idea what kind of meat this is but I am pretty sure it shouldnt be moving" Ted said holding up something that looked a dead skinned rat crossed between some other form of road-kill, and it was 'shaking'. "I just hope you lil goblins havent been serving you up this....whatever it is"

Jareth now looked like he was about to puke himself, looking away with his hand over his mouth.

"Ok I can see we are going to have to go on a little above ground mission to some place foreign to you, the grocery store, and THEN I am going to teach you how to cook, I want you to cook something for Sarah tonight so she knows you are not completely domestically-challanged"

"Ok Ted but first " Jai bounced in and grabbed Jareths arm "We need a lil talk on exactly 'how' he plans on proposing tonight to Sarah!!!" and with that dragged him out into the hall way to a seat.


	2. Proposal Plans, Glitter, Pink Spandex an...

**Thankyou for reviews so far, I am happy you are thinking its funny, i know its a lil immature but the Labyrinth was rated G for a reason ya know! The thought of The Fab 5 visiting Jareth made me piss my pants anyway!!! **

**Sarah is coming soon, I just gotta figure a way how to introduce her and Hoggle, any idea's for what should happen next, let me know!!**

**Jaz**

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Ok J man, so what were your plans before hand to propose to Sarah tonight?" Jai asked curiously

"Honestly…" Jareth turned in embarrassment "I have no idea, I think I was just going to just come out with it after dinner, but I am still very nervous about it."

"Er, well thank god we came in that case, I don't think food poisoning is the way to go in a proposal-situation to Sarah, J- I saw the road kill prepared earlier!" Jai replied "and as for you being nervous well don't worry Ill give you a good old prep talk after the guys have done their thang with you. But we need to think of something more, um, romantic in your proposal, she is the women of your dreams obviously so you want tonight to be a memorable one"

"Yes well I guess I could make a song up. We, well I first fell in love with her with a song I sang for her at a , um, ball we went to,…"Jareth paused momentarily "….but it was a hallucination at the time for her.." he finished off quietly but enough so Jai could hear. "I don't know if she would still remember it because, well how we got together finally was after when she was aboveground, and we confessed to each other our feelings on her 21st birthday, and I apologized for the baby brother incident and all"

"OHHH I know, and no snaps for you because of that apart from the fact you apologized! But she's in love with you now which means she's forgiven you, obviously hence the engagement, and I want you to sing her a song again, IN a ballroom, so this time she atleast will know whats going on!" Jai concluded "So I want you to think about the song today you are going to sing to her, and Ill fill the rest of the guys in on whats what ok! I will give you another prep talk after. There is nothing to be nervous of because you are in love with her and will spend the rest of your life with her- if you don't screw it up ook!!"

"Alright then"

"Good,"Jai smiled, "Now I think Carson wants you" and with that he dragged Jareth back to his bedroom

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Meanwhile, while Jareth was having his 'talk', Carson and Kyan were still in Jareths bedroom rummaging through clothing and shoes and glitter that belonged back in Ziggy stardusts wardrobe.

"Oh my GODDESS!" Carson said after throwing 50 pairs of spandex onto the already mass heap of grey and black spandex on the floor, and leather like bondage clothing.

But now he had found a pair of pink spandex tights and held them in the air like they were Bridget Jones granny underpants.

"I am too scared to know WHAT this man was doing with these! But I wonder what they feel like???". And with that he put them on over his green lime green fitted jeans.

"HA you think that's bad take a look at this" Kyan laughed, he had just put on Jareths 'Feather' Jacket (same one he wore on Sarah's final confrontation), and on his head, a strange hat that looked like a bird with a 'chapped' beak if that was possible. Carson pissed his pants at the sight, started dancing around the room wearing Jareths pink spandex tights with Kyan. Then the bird hat started talking.

"OOOOooorrrrrrrrrr take me off your head right now" The bird hat squarked in a Spanish accent, "Your makin me dizzy" it pleaded, but now its eyes were going round and round so Kyan took it off and looked at it strangely. "Its your lucky day birdie," Kyan said quickly reaching into his vintage jeans pocket, pulling out a pot of pink strawberry lip balm and plastered it all over its beak, grabbed a purple feather scarf wrapping it around its neck, making it now look like a transvestite bird hat.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST DO TO JUAN" Jareth said now in the room with Jai behind him, who was giggling at the sight of the tranny bird hat passed out on the floor, and his friends in Jareths 'clothes'. "Juan?" Kyan said questioningly

"JUAN ……JUAN WAKE UP" Jareth ran over to the now tranny bird hat and shook him awake. "Si si signorita, kiss me quick you blonde haired beautiful girl…mmmmmMmmm" and with that Juan- the tranny bird kissed Jareth- or pecked him whatever u like! On the lips- and a disguisted Jareth threw him out the window.

"I am going to ask you to ignore that little scene….." a tomato red Jareth said standing up now

"BUT I WILL NOT BE IGNORING YOUR EXPLANATION OF WHY MY BED CHAMBER IS NOW LOOKING LIKE THE JUNKYARD OUTISDE THE GOBLIN CITY" Jareth started yelling again looking around his room which now had all of his spandex all over the floor, grey curtains ripped off the walls, and his undergarment long johns thrown all over the place and glitter covering everything. "AND GET OUT OF MY CLOTHES" he said ripping his favourite 'feather jacket' off of Kyan.

"MY GLITTER, MY EXPENSIVE FAE GLITTER, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THIS COSTS????

"Oh GOD I have my hands full here, a bog of eternal stench….a Junk Yard?? The rest of the Labyrinth is BEAUTIFUL!, I am just going to have to work overtime on this one!!!" Thom answered ignoring Jareths previous outburst about his glitter, now standing in the door way

"YES I AGREE!" Carson replied, "And as for your clothes and glitter all over the place Jareth well we are sending them back into oblivion, no amount of re-ordered time you can magic-dance up Jareth will bring the 80's back!" cutting Jareth off before he could say anything, and with that he grabbed a crystal Hoggle had given him to transport them back aboveground, "You have the right to remain silent, " Carson added grabbing Jareths arm, " we have a date with Calvin Klein" and with that they both were transported aboveground to David Jones.

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

**Ok for your Americans wondering wtf is David Jones, its basically your equivalent to Neiman Marcus, Im an Aussie so I have to improvise!! Reviews Reviews plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

………………………………………………………………………………………………


	3. ThrustSexyThrust!

**Recommended Music to d/l from Kazaa or whatever u use to d/l moosic for this is**

**Sexy- by French Affair**

**-Trust me its funnier hearing the song and picturing this!!!!**

As they magically – poofed- into the Mens Fashion dept. of David Jones, Carson got to work asap, dragging Jareth through isles of pants, tops, shirts and ties- all of the top fashion designers like Yves Saint Laurent, Calvin Klien, Marcs and lots more.

"Now we will take these faded/non faded vintages…these khaki's coz they are so fab for summer….this white shirt will look like sex with this……these suits……these shirts…..." And soon Carson and Jareth's arms were loaded with clothes but Jareth was in another world. Music.

Music that had just started blaring out of the high-tech speakers was foreign to Jareths classical-orchestra, inclined ears

'Your so Sexy, sex sex SEXY!!.....' The music was actually rather fun Jareth thought and started to loosen up abit, it was getting louder by the second, a marketing scheme to get other male buyers into the shop along with their girlfriends, "I say CARSON........" Jareth had to yell a little…"What is this music, its so….fun!" and with that Jareth threw the clothes down in his hands and started dancing around the room –think magic dance, thrusts and all!!!- scaring the life out of a wide eyed Carson now and a few employees and of course customers.

"ARGHHHH !!!!!! Jareth if you continue dancing like that I am just going to HAVE to call security on you!!! And I don't even work here!" Unfortunately Jareth was too far in the song to listen, and having too much fun thrusting "Carson I think this song should be me and SARAHS- I can just imagine myself dancing with her right now Mmmmmm"-thrust, step, thrust. "Why don't we have songs like THIS underground!!!!!"

Thrust/Thrust/Step/Thrust

"Come ON Jareth, hon" Carson tried pulling Jareth by the arm now "your brand spankin' clothes are ready for you to try on, and you are so going to pull a muscle doing that- maybe one you will need to use tonight???, and I mean don't you wanna see what it feels like in Calvin Kliens pants??" Carson said worriedly now, totally embarrassed at the fact a few hot guys were now pointing at Jareth and laughing

"No!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Jareth laughed in a deep voice still dancing "Carson I will show you how to do this dance move….." at which Carson was now being taught how to thrust by a very willing King of the Goblins, and although he found it funny, people were now laughing at him as well. "Arghh plzzzz someone help" Carson whispered to himself desperately.

Then who should come to the rescue but Sarah

"OH GOD CARSON YOU DIDN'T BRING JARETH HERE" now pissing herself with a small gathering crowd. Sarah pushed her way through and walked up behind Jareth dancing still, he was oblivious to Sarah's presence. "I knew earth music would get him freaky but not like this!" eying Jareth doin his thrusts into thin air

"AHHHH!! Sarah ATLAST….. now you can make your fiancé STOP THE DANCING- and I am not the one who stops the dancing usually, but this is just too FREAKY for me!"

"Hello Darling" Sarah said finally interrupting the thrust dance Jareth was really getting into, "Not now Cars……OH AR SARAH!" Jareth said turning around and nearly stacking it, he wasn't embarrassed dancing to this strange but fun earth music, but in front of Sarah he was.

"He he he!! Jareth you have no idea how funny that was…." She laughed "Im you're your having fun with the Fab 5 but………..DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN" she added with much serious tone, but of course just teasing him. She then grabbed him by the neck and smacked a kiss right on his lips. Jareth laughed "But you are just so sexy Sarah" he said seductively, grabbed her butt, making Sarah giggle, and of course returned the favour deepening their kiss.

Carson finally embarssed now at the two in front of him going for gold in the groping Olympics spoke up 'OK Id say get a room but Thoms re-decorating it now' at which they both looked up and Jareth just slinked his arm around her middle.

"Speaking of why I am here Sarah" Jareth looked down to her giggling at the thought of a metro-sexual Jareth, as well as what the Fab 5 had planned for him, "Thank you, I think it may just be fun after all" and he smiled at her kissing her on her forehead. " And you must remind me to thank Hoggle too" he added more carefully.

"Now, I made sure Sarah was to turn up here, my fashion assistant Suzie will be taking her clothes shopping for tonight, coz Jareth, you can't have all the fun now!" at which Carson shooed an un-willing Jareth away from Sarah and into the dressing room with all the clothes. Jareth poked his head out the small wooden slatted door, giving Sarah a desperate look, but grinning and Sarah just laughed, blowing him a kiss and mouthed 'good luck babe'.

After putting the clothes on the racks in the room Carson ran out, seeing Suzie and Sarah just met, and he sent them in the opposite direction, to the female fashion dept and, then returned to see Jareths fashion do's and fashion don't's.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"I DON'T LIKE THIS ENSEMBLE CARSON" Jareth yelled out. He was standing in the dressing room wearing a pair of flip flops, vintage jeans, a white tank top with a white shirt that had to be "jszzhhoeed" up at the arms or something like that anyway, he wasn't sure of this strange slang Carson used. The worst part of this was that on his head was a rapper style hat –think usher- and a pair of clear coloured glasses. So of course, Jareth basically hated it.

"I WANT MY SPANDEXXXXXXXXXXX" Jareth wailed.

"NO SPANDEX FOR YOU!" Carson yelled back like a mother telling off her child for having candy before dinner. "Now come out and let me see you sexy thing!!!!!" At which Jareth hesitantly opened the door and stepped out with a sour look on his face. "I feel SOO uncomfortable in these, pants, if that's what you would call them, and MY FEET ARE SHOWING!" holding his right leg up, with his flip flop showing.

"Oh Jareth I could eat you up right now" Carson grinned ignoring Jareths last comment, "BOY you look SO damn delicious!" Carson squelled and did an extra 'jshzzoosshhh' on Jareths shirt arms. Truthfully Jareth looked pretty hot right now, he just wasn't used to Human fashion.

"Ok well this is definitely one for the keeping but we got thousands of other things for you to try on so hurry and strip so we can choose something for you to wear tonight, I am thinking…."Carson looked in the dressing room door and grabbed a gorgeous black Calvin Klein suit with a white Yves St Laurent shirt, "This one!!!" and shuved the suit into Jareths arms to try next- obviously it was gonna be a winner!

After a few hours of trying on all Jareths new wardrobe, he slowly started getting used to the fashions human males wear, and found it to be quite enjoyable. (Secretly though after all this he would still wear his spandex occasionally- if he could find it that is) He came out though with some really nice shirts, ties, denim and leather jackets, shoes, pants and jeans. Sarah would of course just die right on sight from this newly metro'd sex god, Carson had turned this spandex man into a sexy, stylish goblin city model. And for that Jareth was beginning to be thankful.

Kyan walked in and smiled at the two men, Jareth though was still getting changed back into his spandex because they had to ring up all the other clothes. "Having fun Jareth?" at which Jareth did come out of the fitting room but with just his vintage jeans, flip flops and no top on, showing off his beautiful chest that wasnt overly muscles, just enough to show off his pecks, but beautiful- quite yumalcious!

"He was havin a blasssstt Ky……. apart from the beginning when he discovered 'Dance, 2004'" at which Carson cringed at the flashbacks of Jareths 'air'thrusting, at which Kyan just laughed.

Jareth glared at Carson with acute 'ha ha' sarcasm, and answered Kyan ignoring Carson's references to his dancing style.

"Yes actually I have come quite accustomed now to your fashions on earth, although at first I was quite uncomfortable with 'jeans'" he pointed down to them " but now I am getting used to them, I still don't know about these 'flip flops' though, I mean Sarah wears them I guess they must be an Human thing" Jareth said still wearing a brown one he was about to take off at which Kyan stared at mouth open, not at Jareth flip flip but foot.

"Jareth.. when was the LAST time you have a pedicure??????" Jareths feet weren't that bad, but to a gay guy, Kyan could tell Jareth hadn't had a pedicure over the last millennium. "And the hair……" Kyan looked back up at Jareths long, unruly, blond layers tragically, shaking his head with a tsk tsk

"OK time to go Jareth, sorry Carson but we are audi, appointment with Toni&Guy right now!!!" and with that Kyan started running out of the shop, pulling Jareth along with him

"Ok Byeee guyssssss and Jareth "Carson yelled out behind them "Ohh and Im buying you NEW underwear for tonight Jare-eyyy! You DEFINITELY DON'T need socks!" remembering when Jareth came out the change room with just his long johns before, no socks in pants, yep he was a big boy alright!

A few girls started laughing and looked at Jareth now though after Carson's promise to buy new underwear and no 'socks' policy. Jareth just frowned at them but not understanding what they were laughing at, his friend Carson was just buying him underwear, and being kind telling him he didn't need a 'sock'. 'Humans are so strange at times' he thought to himself… he shrugged with a shake of the head and ran out the shop with Kyan.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Well Hope that was fun fun funny! I had to mention the 'thrusts' because I used to laugh about that all the time with an old friend, when Bowie was doing magic dance lol, if you don't believe me watch it!!! I mean his package is hell sexy but it's the irony of 'air thrusting' that's piss funny

Labyfan- Lol your so right about David Jones-David Bowie, I completely forgot that that was even his real name,/doof/!it's a pretty prestige, fancy shamancy store here in Australia, just like our David MmmMMMM!!!


	4. Bog DayBad Hair Day

**Moonjava-thanxxxxxx! Wrote a lil more**

**Holy-psychic-vulpix- Heres more! Thanx!**

**FlannelNirvana-Why thankyou, I adore the fab five and Labyrinth too**

**Theshadowcat- Ahh queer eye hehe, and yes Thom;s reaction to the bog will be..argh just read it! Thankss!**

**White-Dragon-Goddess- Thankyou! And yes you may use Queer Eye in your story, I only read Labyrinth fics in anyway! And I don't own Queer Eye in anyway so yeah feel free to use the guys! (although id love to have my personal gay chef, fashion guru, culturalist, chef and interior designer!) I will love to read ur story when u do it cuz it sounds like it would be pretty funny!**

…………………………………………………………………………………

**Back in the Underground Thom had just discovered the Bog.**

"Oh…My…..God" The gorgeous gay Interior Designer said with disgusted awe looking around, hand on nose, safely on the shore. (edge of the 'rock' bridge)

It was like any other day at the bog. Dragon flies buzzin around the stinky goop bubbling up, the half looking willows surrounding it and of course the stench was at its best.

Or worst one would say.

"Who goes there!" A fox suddenly jumped out, knocking Thom backwards on the dirty ground.

"Um, excuse me? See these" Thom gestured to his pants angrily,

"Yes" The fox said care-lesely.

"Breeches, what about them?"

Getting up, now dusting them fiercely as if he had just found he had sat on dog-doo he glared at the fox.

"They are not _breeches_, they are slacks, but not just ordinary slacks, they are PRADA, so don't do that again or I will seriously have to bitch slap you into that disgusting, smelly, so non-contemporary defiance in anti-euro art, boggy thing" Thom huffed at the fox.

The fox looked confused, understanding probably about one word in that whole sentence but then lightened up. "Oh you must be one of Hoggle's friends from aboveground"

Thom continued to walk along the shore nodding holding his nose, at a safe distance of course not to actually touch the bog water.

"You may address me as Sir Didymus, his brother, and guardian of thy bog"

Thom whirled at him. "Ewwww, that's disgusting, who would want to spend all day in this stinky place"

Sir Didymus looked shocked. "Stink? I do not smell stink, the air is sweet, the air is fragran…"

"Its stinks, trust me, Im an interior designer, and although interiors are my speciality, I know a thing or two about outdoor entertaining, and this place is a big ol stinky mess"

Thom screwed his face up looking at a burbling blob in the bog.

"One I intend to clean up" The blob seemed to let out a 'fart' sound and Thom quickly put his hand over his nose again. "Ok maybe Ill get some cleaners to do it but it doesn't mean I don't intend getting this place clean and sparkly"

Sir Didymus looked around, and seemed to agree the bog was looking pretty bad, so reluctantly agreed.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

**Aboveground- Kyan and Jareth at Toni&Guy**

"Hey Shay how are you?" Kyan smiled at the hip-young hairdresser sporting a rather outlandish hair do, chipped here, layered there.

"Good thanx" The hairdresser said coolly.

"Meet Jareth" Kyan shuved Jareth infront of the hairdresser. They shook hands then the Goblin King was urged to sit down on a swivel salon chair, getting cloaked with a black hand towel around his neck, and a black waterproof smock over the rest of his body.

Jareths hair analysis started straight away.

"Now this guys never seen a treatment in his life…need I say more?" Kyan told the hair dresser

Shay weeved his hands through Jarehs unruly golden locks with a very gay 'tsk tsk'.

"Yes, and the right cut is important, who has been cutting hair by the way?" The hairdresser held a strand of Jareths hair up that seemed to be all lengths.

"My goblins of course"

Shay just laughed thinking it was a joke, then saw the serious look on Kyan and Jareths face and immediately stopped. He thought he was strange.

After a grueling half hour of chipping, cutting and blow-drying, Shay finally finished Jareth's hair. Jareth looked in the mirror.

It looked exactly the same, even Kyan was perplexed. However Jareth was thankful, after all his hair was one of his trademarks he wanted to keep.

_Like my tights….. Er breeches_.

"What the hell…" Kyan bordered on screaming, looking at the so-called 'brand new Jareth hair'.

"This has _never_ happened to me before on the show" He looked the hairdresser up and down.

"Your supposed to do some drastic change in his hair and I get the glory for…."Re-thinking that sentence Kyan cleared his throat. "_You_ are supposed to fix his hair, are you even QUALIFIED?"

"Um yeah, I like am, its not my fault this guys got funky hair" Shay the hairdresser said tongue in cheek.

"Well then…….. Consider yourself, de-gayed" Kyan snarled at the poor hairdresser who was now in shock, tearing up. Everyone knew the Fab Five were like the gay Mafia of New York. Do anything wrong by them and it was hell for a gay. Getting your gym membership revoked, not getting tickets to 'My Fair Lady' were just some of the punishments, oh it was hell.

Sighing annoyed and still glaring at the devastated hairdresser who could have ruined his reputation, Kyan dragged Jareth over to the manicure/pedicure desks.

"Unless you want me having a bitch fit I would shut up and enjoy this next part of my segment" Kyan huffed at Jareth.

Jareth, although not the one to be messed with, could see Kyan was in a shitty mood so just agreed whole-heartedly with the whole manicure and pedicure ritual.

**1 hour after Manicure and Pedicure proceeded.**

"I mean GOD…. ITS SO UNFAIR" Kyan had talked and bitched the whole way through Jareth's manicure.

"I mean, Carson gets FASHION GURU, Ted gets to be a CHEF, Jai gets to be the CULTURALIST and Thom gets to be the INTERIOR FUCKING DESIGNER" Jareth opened his mouth to say something but got cut off again.

"I mean IM A FRIGGEN GLORIFIED BEAUTICIAN"

Jareth sighed, this was worse than when Sarah was on her monthly.

"Ok were done" The chirpy manicurist blonde squeled.

_Finally _

One could just look at Jareth and see he was thankful for that.

"At last" He mumbled getting off his chair and away from the ear-bashing Kyan next to him.

Kyan eyed him dangerously. "What?"

"Oh….I said _atlast..er atlast I…" _Jareth fake laughed seeing Kyan not changing that dangerous glare_, shit what do I say …oh I got it…_

"_Atlast_ I got a manicure" Jareth fell silent not really sure what Kyan's reaction would be.

Kyan however smiled, at least one thing worked out for him and his reputation, or so he believed anyway. Jareth sighed,_ his ears may live to hear another day_

"Well there's Teddy boy" Kyan pointed to the doorway where Ted was standing.

"And don't you dare tell anyone about what happened here today" Kyan glared once again at Jareth before smiling again sweetly.

Jareth was actually pretty freaked at Kyan's lil warning speech, and laughed nervously agreeing to not talk about Kyan's 'bitch-fit'. He then thankfully parted for Ted at the doorway, away from Kyan and his womanly mood swing.

He waved bye bye to Kyan anyway, then looked over at Shay who was still crying, silently mouthing thank you to him then left with Ted.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

**lol, ok, so there is the update! I hope those who reviewed are happy, cuz I wasn't gonna im so busy right now with uni etc, and my other stories but thought I better update for ya!**

**Thom and the bog will be covered next chapter, I was too buggered to write more this time sorry!**


End file.
